Fundies Report - Part 1 of 2

[Gareth Burrows]

Well, it's over.

The following people signed for a fundies course with Rich Walker. Garf, Ahar, Mark Chase, Daz, and Bogwoppit. we all had different expectations for the course, but I will not second guess the others or steal their thunder. For myself, I had two primary reasons for doing the course. Firstly, if I'm honest, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I'd heard so much about it from so many people, which ranged from those who suggested that they make you eat babies for breakfast, through to those who were far more laid back about it all. It raises so much interest, I simply had to see what it was about.

The second reason was far more pragmatic. I had seen several GUE trained divers last year. They differed in some respects. Some were egomaniac, condescending tossers who preached that DIr is the Light and the Way. However, whilst some were preaching, some were quietly getting in the water and going diving. I noticed that they did all, however, have a few things in common. They all possessed excellent awareness of environment, team and scenario. Theyt knew that their role was on every dive, and they knew what to expect from their team. They also communicated very efficiently and effectively. I liked this a lot, and though, for want of a better phrase "That'll do me, I'll have a bit of that thanks". So I decided to do fundies and see what it was all about.

I had been umming and ahhing about it for several months when Rich Walker posted a course up and YD and I signed up immediately. Also signed up were Ian (Bogwoppit) Stapleton, Andy (ahar) Harries, Darren (Daz) Carpenter, and Mark (I can't think of an online name) Chase. I had dived with Boggie before, and knew that both Chasey and Ahar were decent divers, so figured I was lucky enough to be on a course full of people who knew what they were doing.

Immediately after signing up for the course, I thought, if I'm being honest, "I want to minimise the twattishness of my diving on the course and get a head start", and organised a day's diving with Gledders. I'll get into the "Right" and
"Wrong" of this later. On this day I saw how high the bar was, or rather I was clubbed over the head with it and told toarch my back. Gledders and Al were astonishing in the water, and the vain element in me thought "I wanna look like that".

I then organised a few sessions with Ahar in Wraysbury. Now Ahar is a top diver and no mistake, rock solid in the water. We put a lot of effort into going through the drills, both on dry land and in the water. The logic was that if we at least were
totally familiar with the actual procedure of the drills, then we would be able to concentrate on other things, such as trim and situational awareness. We also focussed on ensuring we stayed aware of what was happening to the other person, and not getting tunnel vision when performing drills. Now this is easy to say, not so easy to do. Keeping eye contact with an ugly bastard like me through every step of a valve drill must be very hard work indeed. The training felt at the time very valuable, but I wanted to keep things sharp, so spent the last few Wednesday nights before the course in the pool training on my own, doing valve drills and modified S drills, as well as practising the various kicks that would be required.

Another element that I felt required attention was my swimming, which was rocket fast for 50M but then I would grind to a halt, I went swimming every other day for a month before fundies. There is no question that this paid off as we shall see later.

Fundies Approaches...

fundies started for me on the Thursday night, with a complete kit check, which took hours as I checked every nut and bolt,
every boltsnap, every possible detail, to make sure kit was not an element that let me down. Everything was charged, greased and packed away ready for the morning. Off I went to sleep, only to realise once I had relaxed that I was sweating, not due to the work I had been doing, but because I was coming down with a terrible cold. I got no sleep at all, thrashing about in that horrible, feverish, sweaty delirium that you get when you have a bad cold. Throughout the night I became more and more annoyed about how i felt as I knew that firstly it would have a severe impact on how I would dive (assuming I could dive at all) and also because I knew those sods on the course would never believe me.

FRIDAY

0830 AM and like a well oiled DIR machine, bogwoppit turned up to pick me at the agreed time. Actually, that must have still been delirium as he never turned up until 9am. Totally relaxed and in control, he was the complete opposite of me, who was a nervous wreck, coughing, sneezing, and trying to decide if I should even bother getting in the car. I felt truly terrible, and figured I’d be retaking the course at some point in the near future. I decided to go anyway, and just see what happened. Boggie turned up in the little Citroen C3 and we packed it to the brim with black kit and shiny things. Wondering if the suspension was going to cope we climbed in and set off at 9am, with me dosing myself with a combination of nurufen plus and Sudafed.

A leisurely and pleasant drive to the B&B just outside Trowbride in Somserset was made, during which I felt gradually worse and worse, and probably whinged more and more. Despite this, Boggie remained perfectly polite, relaxed and cheerful. We arrived after about 2 hours 45 minutes and found GUE Tech1 diver David Martin chatting away happily with Mark Chase. We also found that somewhere between Surrey and Somerset, someone had turned the thermostat down. It was bloody freezing. My body had obviously given up trying to regulate my temperature and quietly alternated between hot and cold whilst I stood there sneezing and trying to keep up with the conversation

Chasey had promised to play nice with the GUE divers and not upset them, but already they were in hot debate about deco cylinder usage. Despite making a promise to myself not to be an awkward sod, I joined in happily

A few minutes later and the rest of the team began to show up. Daz arrived from Bristol, and Rich Walker all the way from Sheffield. The plan was to start doing the lectures in the B&B, but unfortunately, the B&BG people were not there, so we bailed out to the local pub and had a coffee. In the pub, we finalised the paperwork (DIR-F students are required to submit a very detailed profile of their diving history, kit, and medical health, which Rich then reviewed whilst we tried to warm ourselves up. DIR kit extends to civvies, as demonstrated by David and Rich, wearing identical puffer jackets. Unfortunately, Vobster did not sell them.

At this point, we were still waiting for Ahar, so as Rich had managed to contact him by mobile, and we couldn’t get into the B&B, we decided to skip the first lectures and go directly into the swim tests. I swear that I felt a shudder when he said this, as I had been worried about the tests for weeks. We packed up, picked ourselves up and got ready to go to trowbridge leisure centre. Boggie and I decided to follow Chasey, which included a u turn during which I swear I could hear Chasey’s GPS saying “Turn around when possible, dickhead”. We just pointed and laughed.

Arriving in the leisure centre, my guts were in turmoil, and my ears were now starting to get that horrible “sticky” feeling. Into the pool and we were told it was a 25M pool and we had to swim 15 metres on a breath hold. No problems here, we all managed 25 metres. Chasey the fish could have done laps. Now came the one that scared me, the distance swim. “get going” said Rich, and I launched into a back******. 7 minutes and twenty seconds later I was astonished to find I had finished, ten seconds behind Ahar. Chasey was just behind, and captain cool boggie sauntered in with a relaxed brea****** a minute later. Daz struggled with this, and finished up in just under 13 mins, but he only has little legs. So that was the whole team through the swim tests and I was delighted. There had to be some measure of fitness for the course, and I guess a swim test is as good if not better than any other. If there is anyone out there in a similar position to myself, my advice is firstly not to leave training for it until the last minute, and secondly not to swim as fast as you can, as it’s a stamina test not a sprint.

Being in the pool did provide an opportunity for Rich to try out a few new ideas ;“New Ideas on a DIR course, I hear you scream, how can this be?????”. Well, I’ll no doubt talk about my misplaced preconceptions a bit later. We swam to the side of the pool and were instructed in the pool on how to back kick. You have to “get the feet back without the water noticing” and then snap back, using the sides of fins. The power of the ****** comes from the calves, not the fins. This was all news to me. Next, we tried simulating the trim position. Floating on the stomach, back arched as hard as possible, head pushed back to touch the isolator, and arse muscles clenched to raise the knees. Hold that position. It hurts. If it doesn’t hurt, you’re not trying. Finally, we put the two together. Back arched, head up, arse clenched, now back fin. Good god. We all went backwards, faster than I’d ever done before. So he wasn’t telling lies about the fins not providing the power. This was the first time that I realised that Rich really did have his shit squared away. We tried this several times, and it worked. Great news. Being in the water felt great as it was keeping my fever down, so I was reluctant to get out, but we had lectures to attend to , so we all got dressed and headed back to the B&B.

We were all feeling a little happier now I think, now that the first assessed bit was out of the way, and we were about to start absorbing information. We were then given thorough and informative lectures about the history of GUE and DIR diving, and all given 30cc’s of chlorpromazine via intravenous drip. No. No. No. You see, I used to make all the jokes, and take the piss, but the ironic thing is that Rich was about the most laid-back and flexible DIR diver I’ve met. His attitude seemed to be “look, you’re paying, so accept my advice for the weekend, and then do what you want to do”. Nothing was rammed down our throats, and our opinions were often asked what we thought about a topic, rather than just lecturing. A perfect example is we had a big discussion about self inflating blobs, with Chasey and I arguing strongly that they are the best invention ever and David Martin arguing that they were the spawn of the devil and anyone that uses them probably eats babies for breakfast. Meanwhile, Rich just kept quiet listening to the discussion, or rather beasting we were giving Dave, and then said “gimme one and ill have a go tomorrow then”, which shut us up and to my vast amusment, had david staring at Rich in the same way Socrates stared at his best friend and said “I drank WHAT?” So - open to new ideas, willing to try out new things. That was a DIR I hadn’t expected. These lectures I found phenomally interesting and informative, as they blew away all the chaff I had read about DIR and all the shite I had read on forums (such as this posting) and laid it out properly. And you know what, it all starts to make sense when someone explains it properly. The whole “all or nothing” approach just started to make sense, even without the use of barbiturates. We gave as good as we got in the lectures, and thankfully Rich has a healthy sense of humour, so comments from me such as “sometimes you’d be forgiven for thinking that someone just sat down in their garage all day and made this shit up” didn’t result in being admonished. All in all, this was really useful for me, and put the whole course into perspective. Rich proved a very relaxed and knowledgeable instructor, but I am convinced his obvious experience in diving, including instructing for other agencies, helps to provide a more well rounded instructor.

After finishing up with the lectures, we decided to head into Trowbridge for a curry. We piled in the cars and headed off. This is where the team ethic started to break down. Daz got lost on the 3 mile drive into Trowbridge. FFS. We hung around waiting for twenty minutes and eventually he turned up. We decided on a currey. Now, experience served me well in this area. I was well aware that I was going to be spending a significant proportion of the next day clenching my arse, so why make things worse than they are already going to be. “Please provide me with your mildest, most gentle curry” says Garf. “Do you worst” says Daz. How can so much, of something so fiendishly hot, fit into someone so small. I was partly in awe, partly shaking my head in rememberance of the time I nearly had to bin a days diving due to a poorly timed madras.

Dinner was a good laugh, we all chatted amiably about diving, as you’d expect, and rich kept noticeably reticent about the more controversial subject, which I was actually quite impressed with, as I’d have been tempted to just shout “Oh stop talking bolox you tiny man. And you, blond git, will you STFU about your rebreather”. Anyway, a delightful time was had by all, and we wisely decided to head right back to the B&B for an early night. All except Daz, who headed off in a random direction and got lost again. Hey ho, night night. Big day tomorrow.

Saturday……

I hadn’t slept all night. I still felt awful. Added to my cold, I was sharing a room with Bogwoppit. What is it about ex-matelots? All night I had shivered in my fever. All night Boggie had been sawing a plank of wood in half. The buzzing in my ears was blatently perforated ear drums. It wasn’t snoring, it was like listening to speeded-up continental drift. Give me strength.

I dosed up with as many painkillers as I could lay my hands on and went through for breakfast. Fair play to Bardo’s In Laws, they cook a mean fry up and no mistake. Chasey and I displayed a similar trait when we announced that the next person to speak at the breakfast table would have their tongue torn out if the words “here’s the coffee for you” were not forthcoming. Over breakfast, we made our jokes, said our last goodbyes etc etc………


Dive 1

First things first, Rich went through a thorough safety briefing. After this, he outlined the plan for the dive, which was to split up into two teams. The teams were Daz, chasey and bogwoppit, and then Myself and ahar. This suited me as I had been training with Andy and we knew what to expect from each other. We took our time kitting up, making sure everything was where it was supposed to be. This was partyl becuase we wanted everything to be correct, and partyl becuase we were waiting for Daz, who was shitting his brains out after the hot curry the night before. I can stil hear the scremas now. Eventually, he reappeared, somewhat flushed, and looking even thinner than normal, and we continued to kit up. I still managed to leave a reg lying around which rich spotted after appearing from nowhere. I suspect he was on the roof with binoculars. We finshed putting everything together and then worked out the plan. We had to do a valve drill and an S drill, and then practice a frog kick, modified frog kick and modified flutter kick. We did this by swimming very close down to a platform. It’s not as easy as it looks. Valve drills went ok for us, as did S drills, but trim was scrappy and we were drifting forwards. We did not see much of the other team as we were focussing on ourselves. The devil is in the detail with DIR, and it’s the details like always clipping off the primary reg if its not in your mouth that was catching us out. The kicks went ok, but it’s very intimidating with an instructor that seems to be on wires and a video camera stuck in your face. We also needed to work on the distance between us. Andy and I could both sort of back kick, so when one of us drifted towards the other, rather than stopping them, we took it as an opportunity to practice, which was not the best plan as the team then drifted off into the distance.

At the end of the dive, we both sent bags up. This took a little while as it was bloody freezing in the water and everyone’s hands were suffering. Remember that devil? Well, the devil in the bagging up procedure is remembering to clip your drysuit hose back on after you have filled your smb. Andy and I ascended in control, both it was very slow indeed and needed work.
Out of the water and it was time for coffee, bugers and debrief. What can I say about the debrief other than Rich Walker is a very honest man indeed  He missed nothing, despite keeping an eye on two separate teams. We did not get a beasting, let’s not pretend this is some kind of “boot camp” style course. It’s not. Rich just watches you, and then edges you to where he expects you to be. There’s none of that mask off, reg out, do a v drill with one hand crap you hear people talking about. The skills are basic, and the focus is on muscle memory, doing the drills again and again until they are slick and second nature, with the intention that when the brown smelly stuff hits the rotating office whirry thing, your hands will know where to go without thinking about it. Nothing on the course is “complicated”. It’s just that the standard for the simple things is set very high.

Whilst we are on this subject the valve drill. I spent ages working on the valve drill, and constantly though “this is mental, id never do this in an emergency”. Well, no you wouldn’t. the drill is to build the muscle memory, in an emergency you utilise parts of the drill as necessary. The debrief was exhaustive and quite correct imho, and I wandered off afterwards, wondering if I was simply to ill to give the course the attention it deserved. There’s not a diver on the course this weekend that hasn’t beaten themselves up over something, and in Daz’s case that is probably considered abuse of a minor.

Dive 2

The way the course works, they give you some set skills, such as valve drill and S drill. You then do that every dive. Then they add more tasks in each dive, so you can never relax, and are constantly learning something new. This is very carefully designed so that it does not overload the diver. Rather it is set at a level so that the learning curve is steep, but not catastrophically so. In some ways, you just sort of go diving and end up better at the end.

The plan for dive two, then, was another valve drill and S drill, and then this time we would do back kicking, the centre of gravity drill, and helicopter turns. Helicopter turns involve some kind of mystic sorcery that allow you to make one frog kick forward with one foot, and one back kick with the other. Yeah right. Note to self. Practice. Back- kicking I am getting. Once you get that the fin is somewhat irrelevant, and that you are using the sides of the fin anyway, and the power comes from your calf, it starts to happen. The other trick is to slow down the recovery part of the kick so that you don’t end up propelling yourself forwards. Finally, trim. If you haven’t got a stable trim, forget it. A big smile from Daz showed he was indeed going backwards. Three seconds later he was going backwards faster than I’d ever seen anyone, granted it being to the surface led by his feet.

The centre of gravity drill is an interesting exercise. If you weighting, and trim are correct, then you can adjust your trim in the water by the simple action of raising or lowering your head, extending your arms and feet. Imagine your body is a see-saw, and you can make that see saw go up or down depending on which end is longest. Obviously, if your weighting is way off, you can forget this drill, but we all managed some semblance of it, which was very rewarding.

The valve and S drills went ok, Andy and I felt like we were getting to grips with them, although during our drills this dive, a bunch of single cylinder wetsuit divers came and kneeled down on the platform, literally between my legs, which was a bit disconcerting. We tried to carry on regardless and got through the drills ok. By now, I have to admit, Andy was looking pretty slick in the water, and I was feeling worse and worse, partly because I was feeling sicker and sicker, and partly because I was struggling to match Andy’s level of control in the water.

Out of the water, and we did not bother with the debrief. It was just too damn cold. This time, we packed up our kit and headed back down to the B&B to warm up before going through the dive. I decided on a shower before facing the video. A word about the showers. Be careful, be very careful. On the thermostatic control for the showers, there was one nano-millimetre between Excruciatingly Hot, and Fantastically Freezing. You have been warned.

eventually, we all settled in the room serving as the lecture room for the course and sat down, not without a little trepidation, to watch the video. Well,the camera never lies. What I thought was pretty good trim turned out to be a bag of shite. We all, without exception, looked at ourselves and went "oh dear", or at least variations on that theme. However, rather than give us a hard time, Rich calmly walked us through what we were doing, and what we had to work on for the next day. Mine was clear. I could do the procedures for the valve drills and s drills in my sleep, but needed to sort out my trim and stability. Andy was pretty much the same, although at this point he was clearly emerging as the strongest DIR diver of the group.

Daz was doing well, obviously diving with DIR divers has helped him, but was struggling a little as his trim and bouyancy were a little unstable, and Mark and Ian, well, they had problems, which I felt looked worse on the video than actually were, and were probably caused becuase they were diving with totally unfamiliar people. I knew at least what I had to do the next day. My back wasn't hurting, and I'd been lazing about working to get my trim into a decent position. The next day I had to basically sort that out.

We went out for another curry, and then called it a night. At some point in the evening, the fever I was running broke, and I began to feel immediately better. I went to bed, fell asleep immedistely, and snored so heavily that chasey, in the room upstairs, was kept awake.

Bliss

[Janos]

Come on. Where's day two??? I'm on tenterhooks here...

Janos

[Andrew Bryson]

Cracking report. Can't wait for part 2.

andy

[Gareth Burrows]

well, you gonna have to wait as i havent written it yet and dont have time until tomorrow. Will be up this time tomorrow night

[daz]

Yeah come on, where's the report for day 2.

Not exactly as I remember it but I don't think I can add anything at this stage

Daz

[Gareth Burrows]

oh dont worry you've LOVE the last half

[Rick]

Nicely written, looking forward to the next installment!

[keylimepie]

Excellent stuff and very amusing. Poor Daz takes some shit, doesn't he!

[Gary Moffat]

Nice report, enjoyable read. Looking forward to part 2.

Regards to all,

Gary.

[Divingniknaks]

Garf, I'm in tears with laughing here mate. I demand you stay up all night and finish this off sooner.

I haven't been this gripped since some tw*t shot JR !

You missed your true calling.



Keylime, Daz deserves everything he gets :D